Thoughts Unlimited

- I wrote this today during English lesson. Of course as usual, I like randomly adding extra things in, and as a result, this ends up being filled with (a lot of) crap. -

It's English class now and the teacher is talking. Meanwhile, I'm reading this article titled 'Aunties and Uncles and Me'. Well, technically I'm not reading, because I'm writing this, but I suppose that is just a mere technicality.

At the present moment, the converstation in class is centring around roti prata. Or roti paratha as the other article which I am supposed to be reading says. I have to admit that the other article is rather interesting, I am more entertained by 'Aunties and Uncles and Me' by this person named Neil Humphreys.

According to couple of lines of fine print on the handout, Mr Humphreys is a sub editior/writer at The Straits Times, and although he was raised in East London, he came to this small, no, actually, minute island represented by a single red dot on the world map. For some reason, Westerners tend to think that this tiny place without a capital (because it's too small to have one anyway) is in China. Sheesh, China is like how far away from Singapore? Okay, maybe their geography is just really bad.

Nevermind their geography skills (or the lack of it). I suppose this little small red dot does have its charms and quirks which I believe tend to manifest themselves even more so in the eyes of foreigners, such as Mr Humphreys.

The reason I find Mr Humphreys' writing so darned amusing is because what he writes about is so common in Singapore, yet locals like myself never seem to notice. I suppose familarity does breed understanding, and I also suppose that these things are considered norms and therefore no one actually takes notice.

An example, on the term ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’:

Initially, the terminology itself was somewhat bewildering. I came to Singapore to stay with my good friend David, whom I had met at an English university. I was struck by the size of his family. I’d heard of an extended family and the government’s attempts to increase the population, but this was ridiculous. Toa Payoh, it seemed, was built in the 1960s with the sole purpose of housing David’s family. On my first morning in Singapore, one of David’s relatives served us some bee hoon in a coffee shop. In the same shop, his ‘uncle’ brought us some Chinese tea. Being the conservative Englishman, I didn’t want to say anything to my genial host, so I let it pass. But by the end of the day, David’s family seemed bigger and more influential than the American Kennedys. He had more living relatives than the Queen.

Of course I suppose Singaporeans would find this rather amusing, as ‘aunties’ and ‘uncles’ are relatively common terms used for addressing practically everyone.

According to me, one ‘officially’ becomes an ‘auntie’ or ‘uncle’ when your children enter primary One. This is when all their friends will start calling you that.

Meanwhile, something else which I found amusing would be the following. (At least I think it’s amusing. And I believe that anyone who has been to England for a period of time would understand.)

A Chinese uncle, on returning from a trip to England memorably asked me, “What do you people eat in England? It’s all chips and bloody sandwiches.”

I believe I’ve made some amount of a comment on English food in the entry Olympics 2010 which can be found here.

I also read the following somewhere before, but I can’t quite remember where. I suspect it was a hotel in Switzerland but perhaps not.

Anyway it went something like this:

The perfect European should:
Cook like the British
Drive like the French
Be as sober as the Irish
As generous as the Dutch
And have a German sense of humour.

Of course the above was all based on stereotypes (if you haven’t already realised, I’m informing you, you blur person).

Meanwhile on the topic of stereotypes, although they aren’t completely true, they are fantastically amusing. Oh yeah, if you happen to be of that particular nationality, or have an affinity with them, then please just take it as a joke and try not to be offended.

Have a look at this:

Top 10 reasons for being ENGLISH

1 Two World Wars and One World Cup
2 Warm beer
3 You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4 You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5 Union jack underpants
6 Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7 You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8 Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9 Ditto changing underwear
10 Beats being Welsh, Irish or Scottish

They forgot one thing I think. That in England, to be able to make money, you only need to know how to cook fish and chips. And you don’t even have to cook it well.

Top 10 reasons for being SCOTTISH

1 You ain't English!
2 You ain't English!
3 You ain't English!
4 You ain't English!
5 You ain't English!
6 You ain't English!
7 You ain't English!
8 You ain't English!
9 You ain't English!
10 You ain't English!

I love this.

Top 10 reasons for being IRISH

1 Guinness
2 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3 You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4 Pubs never close
5 Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6 Call an English breakfast an Irish breakfast
7 Kill people you don't agree with
8 Stew
9 Calling Celtic music your music, even when the Scottish, English and welsh music all sound the same
10 Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

Hmm, quite true. Just that they kinda forgot about the Irish who aren’t Catholics. After all that’s how they got into their conflict isn’t it?

More stereotypes just for the heck of it:

Top 10 reasons for being FRENCH

1 When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2 Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3 You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4 If there's a war you can surrender really early
5 You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4
6 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9 You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10 People think you're a great lover even when you smell and you're not

Well, I don’t think a frog is an insect.. but then again, is a snail an insect?

Top 10 reasons for being BELGIAN

1 You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly
2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country
3 You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer
4 You are either
a) Like the Dutch, just less efficient
b) Like the French, just less romantic
c) Like the Germans, just less intelligent
5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6 No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and the French and they make fun of you
7 More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade
8 You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
10 Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

Top 10 reasons for being NORWEGIAN

1 You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
2 You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer
3 You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hours ozone-hole radiation the other half
4 You can get capital punishment for smoking dope
5 You can go skiing in your knickers
6 You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football
7 You have to be a woman to get anywhere
8 You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious
9 When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you
10 You can actually get bored with blondes

Top 10 reasons for being ITALIAN

1 In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2 Unembarrassed to wear fur
3 No need to worry about tax returns
4 Glorious military history prior to 400BC
5 Can wear sunglasses inside
6 Political stability
7 Flexible working hours
8 Live near the Pope
9 Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10 Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top 10 reasons for being SPANISH

1 Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2 The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3 You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc
4 The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5 Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6 Honesty
7 Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8 You get to eat bull's testicles
9 You cry for Gibraltar
10 Supported Argentina in Falklands War

Top 10 reasons for being GREEK

1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Ah, they forgot one more thing. Men can wear skirts and not be considered transsexuals. In fact they are considered positively manly. (Seriously, just look at Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom in Troy, they are proof that that still holds true.)

Top 10 reasons for being GERMAN

1 Oktoberfest
2 Oktoberfest-beer
3 BMW
4 Volkswagen
5 Audi
6 Mercedes
7 On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world
8 You do not have to learn German as a foreign language
9 You think Sauerkraut is delicious
10 Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet)

Top 10 reasons for being WELSH

You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

Top 10 reasons for being AMERICAN

1 You can have a woman president without electing her.
2 You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3 You can call Budweiser beer.
4 You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president.
5 If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6 If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7 You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8 You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9 You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10 You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.

Top 10 reasons for being CANADIAN

1 It beats being an American.
2 Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3 You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4 Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5 Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?.
6 A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7 Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8 Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9 Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10 Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

Top 10 reasons for being AUSTRALIAN

1 Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted (ie: You get to live in what was Britain's largest "open prison". )
2 Fosters Lager.
3 Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4 Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5 Tact and sensitivity.
6 Bondi Beach.
7 Other beaches.
8 Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9 Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10 Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

Top 10 reasons for being a KIWI

1 Get to shag chics that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.
2 Beer.
3 Rugby.
4 See above.
5 See above.
6 See above.
7 See above.
8 See above.
9 See above.
10 Hate everyone else ......unless it's their round.

Top 11 reasons for being DUTCH

1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them
2 You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer
3 You can
a). legally kill yourself
b). legally be killed
c). have sex with a prostitute leagally
d). be a prostitute legally
5 You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.
6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition
7 You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours
9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans
10 You have automatic immunity from any law while riding a bicycle, including most laws of physics and logic.
11 You can go abroad and take the piss out of everyone else in Dutch and they won't understand you, except in Belgium where they're too stupid to understand you.

Well, I think I’ve deviated from my original topic. But does it matter?

This entry was posted on Monday, July 25, 2005 at 6:27 pm. You can skip to the end and leave a response.